Shut Up ....

Anyone who has been close to the insanity of a North Indian wedding knows that the one person no one gives a shit about is the groom ... Its like the dumbest most mundane job in the world ... In fact if one were to make a JD of being a groom , it would probably read like this -
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Title - Dulhe Raja
Position - Strictly Ornamental
Location - In a corner providing least hindrance to operations
Primary Job Responsibilities - The individual shall be responsible for being the butt of all the jokes for 5 days. He shall from time to time find himself in extremely challenging situations such as being surrounded by a hysterical group of middle aged women who shall smear ice cold gooey stuff all over you. You shall also be required to display great deftness in dealing with toddlers who shall stare at you non stop while their mothers run around shouting orders. You shall be accountable for nothing and no initiative or thought leadership is expected from you.
Qualifications - Any sort of previous experience in being a groom will lead to automatic disqualification. Must have extensively participated in Fancy dress competitions although clown dresses shall be provided by us. Experience in dealing with older folks is a definite plus and the ideal candidate shall be able to hear countless wedding stories from seriously old uncles who might fall asleep in the middle of their story.
Compensation - The selected candidate shall not be paid , but will enjoy perks including an unlimited supply of alcohol, all the food that you can eat and transportation in the form of a chauffer driven Horse.
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Now that doesn’t sound like something you would want to apply for does it? But then , its not a job you ask for , its thrust upon you ...5 months to my wedding ... I think that’s a lot of time ... Apparently I am wrong ... Its a war zone out here ... There is an all powerful Task force under the command of my Dad ... I swear to god , he has taken this role a bit too seriously ... He has appointed area commanders in all the major cities of Rajasthan who regularly go on reconnaissance missions to gather Intel on what’s the latest in the wedding market... And then they report back with the latest designs of Saris , the best hotels ,most reliable caterers etc etc ... In fact , last weekend ,an uncle of mine along with two of my cousins scanned all of Jodhpur looking at horses for the wedding... They only stopped after they found a spotless white one in a village 20 Km outside the city limits!!!...
Mine is the first wedding in my extended family in a very very long time , and understandably everybody has lost it ...completely... which is O.K ... The only problem is , no one asks me anything ... Last week , I decided to make my presence felt and told my dad that I plan to wear a suit to my wedding ... He just asked me to buzz off saying no son of his is gonna turn up at his wedding wearing a tie like a salesman ... He also asked me to start working out coz apparently I will be asked to carry the family sword around ... The damn thing weighs 15 kilos ... Frankly I am not too bothered dressing up in a beige Sherwani with chudidaar pajamas ... So Ill look like a gay ape … big deal ... What bothers me is that the photos and videos of the night are gonna haunt me till eternity ... Not to mention that the damn thing is gonna cost a fortune and shall have no use in the future ...Unless I make a career as a classical singer ... or a pimp ...
I tried gathering some support from my sis , but she is on a totally different trip of her own and told me to just shut up and do whatever was told to me ...
A lot of my friends with got married or are planning to do so in the near future ...P got married last year, Donthaveaclue and Trillian tied the knot a couple of months back, Monk is taking the plunge in August ... I wonder if all of them went through this too ... And if they put up a fight or did they just Shut Up……